just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
