One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize