Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
