oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
