So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I see more hoeing in ur future
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