If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
