my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
