What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
