the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
