I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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