this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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