dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize