If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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