He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
