I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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