She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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