the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
