is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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