I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
