Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
