Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
