I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
