Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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