Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
