I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
