Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
