I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize