everyone is single if you try hard enough
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
