Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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