I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
