I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
