I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize