grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
