Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize