I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize