i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
