I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
