I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
