What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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