Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
