I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
