I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
