Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
