new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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