I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
