Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
