I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
