my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I have post one night stand depression
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