I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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