She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
