I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
