You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
