Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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