Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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