You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
