I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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