I hate your face
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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