i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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