I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
