I'd wear matching sweaters with you
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
