The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize